Relationships Without Goals

Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, are based on genuine curiosity and affection for the other person.  At best, we are able to be fully present and open in order to allow a relationship to unfold as compassion, trust, and closeness grow.  

One of the biggest things that can derail a relationship is having an agenda, storyline, or "goal" for a relationship.  This can cause us to abandon any initially-noble intension we may have had about being open-hearted in favor of pushing our wants, needs, or fears on another person or on the relationship, itself. 

Dating is not significant-other shopping.

For example, have you ever gone on a date where you felt like the other person was going through a mental checklist of "must-haves" and "don't-wants", and you felt like your date was on a shopping expedition?  Meanwhile, you're left wondering whether your date has an interest in actually getting to know you, rather than how you can meet their needs.

Or maybe you have been on the other end of that exchange.  Maybe you find that your approach to dating, friendships, or family connections has turned into a quest to find someone who fits your needs.  Who can make you feel less lonely, more lovable, or the like?

In the end, those exchanges end up feeling bad to everyone involved.  The person hoping for a mate who fits their needs, or fearing that the other person will not fulfill this desire will never be happy as they come to realize that the object of their projections never had the ability to satisfy them. A relationship with another person is not the antidote to our own emotions, hopes, or fears. On the other side of the equation, the other person is never seen with curiosity and interest for who they really are, aside from their ability to meet the first person’s needs.

True connection is never able to occur with a backdrop of agenda and projection. It grows over time through curiosity, interest, and familiarity. No one and nothing, including your own desires, can dictate what a relationship “should” look like. Relationships are always co-created.

Why do we hurt our relationships in this way?

Well, first off, we generally aren't trying to hurt the other person or jeopardize our connection with others.  We think we are looking out for our own best interests by seeking to get our needs met.  But what we don't realize is that by approaching relationships in this way doesn't allow us to be open to allowing the other person to be who they are -- whether or not it meets our expectations or needs. Two people coming together with curiosity, and without trying to force their agenda on another or get their own needs met, is the only true way relationships work.  

This is one of my all-time favorite comic frames.  Calvin and Hobbes discuss the importance of approaching their relationship without self-serving expectation,  Each can care for himself, and in return be fully healthy and available for the other.  [Credit:  Jim Rohn]

So, what should we do instead?

Depending on your relational patterns and habits, this may be easier said than done . . but all it really takes is a willingness and bravery to approach our friends, family, loved ones, dates, and even strangers with an openness and desire to know who they are without allowing our judgments, hopes, and fears to cloud our perception.

• What if it were alright to approach romantic relationships from a perspective of knowing and connecting with another person today, rather than a quest to figure out if the other person can fulfill your needs for the rest of your life?

• What if you interacted with long-term friends and family members as if you were curious to know them anew every time you interact, rather than allowing a long history to prevent you from being curious about any changes that may have occurred with the other person?

• What if your loved ones demonstrated genuine curiosity and acceptance of you at any given moment -- even if you're not meeting their needs or expectations of the situation?  Wouldn't that feel good?

• What if a relationship exists in the present moment-to-moment, so it isn’t actually about measuring how it is going compared to expectations, or where it will go in the future? Your relationship is uniquely between two people at a specific moment in time.

• What does a relationship look like without forcing our hopes or fears for the relationship onto the other person?

• What would happen if you could hold on to your own emotions (loneliness, hope, sadness, lust, etc) as your own, without looking for someone to save you from your own internal states? What are relationships when you are free from looking for someone to meet your own needs? Can this unleash a depth of connection that can’t exist otherwise?