Alright couples, this blog post is about fighting fairly.  All couples have disagreements.  When you’re arguing, in the heat of the moment, do you threaten to break up with or divorce your partner without the intension of taking imminent action to follow-through on these words?  If so, it’s not fair to your partner or your relationship because these words are the ultimate threat of the relationship's destruction.  You may feel that way in the heat of the moment, but if you’re not prepared to take real action, all you’re doing by mentioning it is inducing a sense of fragility in the relationship, a worry of on-going potential abandonment in your partner, and a lack of trust in your words and actions.  Let’s look at each of these separately. 

• Relationship fragility:  If you are in a relationship with the goal of long term connection and interdependence, the last thing you want is for your partner to feel that he/she/they may be left at any moment.  Yes, relationships end, and sometimes that is for the best.  But if the goal is a stable long-term connection, repeatedly threatening to end it when things get heated is going to diminish everyone’s investment in (and trust in) the bond between both partners.

• Feeling a continual threat of abandonment:  Deciding to break up or divorce is difficult, and will lead to a mix of feelings for both you and your partner.  Now imagine what happens if it happens repeatedly and periodically over time, and yet you continue to be in a relationship together.  Let’s just say it doesn’t breed feelings of emotional security, safety, or stability.  So if you want to be able to have a disagreement with your partner, and come out stronger on the other end, don’t make threats to end a relationship unless you mean it.

• Lack of trust in your words or actions:  Doing what you say, and saying what you do is the key to being trusted by others.  If your words and actions don’t match, it leaves people feeling confused and mistrustful of you.  Much like the parable of “the boy who cried wolf,” you will lose the trust of others if you keep threatening to leave them without doing so.  And where does that leave you?  In a relationship that continues, but is weakened by your words and actions, rather than strengthened.  Likely not the outcome you were hoping to achieve.

Relationships in which couples disagree, communicate with emotional and intellection integrity, and resolve differences not only weather the tests of disagreements, but grow stronger as a result of them.  It’s up to you to decide whether your words and actions ultimately provide an opportunity to grow closer to your partner, or weaken the relationship.